I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
