I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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