its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
