Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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