mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
