I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
