Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
there is puke in my bra ... again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
