I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize