just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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