sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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