This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
