I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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