I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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