Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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