You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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