Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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