i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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