Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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