Pappa wants mamma naked
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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