yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My life is pants optional.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
