nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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