an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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