they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
