Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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