It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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