All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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