Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
