bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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