Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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