I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize