You can't motorboat a personality
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
