so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
