the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
even my farts smell like vagina
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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