No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't turn off my feet"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
