i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
