Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
