Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
