I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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