i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
