The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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