the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize