i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
