I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
