Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
