Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
