I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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