just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Floor bacon is actually really good
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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