Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
