Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
