Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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