Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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