There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My underwear smells like fireworks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize