You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
