one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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