Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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