You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
