Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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