Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
