Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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