If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
