if you like me you must not know who I am
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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