I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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