sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
