Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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