hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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