i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
