If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
