Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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