Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
