i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
