Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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