I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
