Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
